A Planet Named Gallifrey
by TheOneYouCallWe
Summary: Dean introduced Castiel to the world of entertainment: movies, television, music, etc. Castiel is, of course, completely out of his depth. Inspired-slash-Based on nerwende90’s “You Can’t See Me” series. Officially contains slash--and Lucifer!
1. A Planet Named Gallifrey

A Planet Named Gallifrey

Summary: Dean introduced Castiel to the world of entertainment: movies, television, music, etc. Castiel is, of course, completely out of his depth. Inspired/Based on nerwende90's "You Can't See Me" series. Named for first chapter.

Ramblings: My Word:mac was fucking me over, so this took a while to post. D:

* * *

"…and they're replacing him _why?"_

"I-I dunno, Cas. I just don't know. I mean, apparently the current producer is stepping down," Dean pauses as he wracks his brain for information forcibly taken from Sam, "Yeah, he's stepping down, and they're also remaking The Master into a "Emo Master" or something, and…I just don't. Fucking. Know." Dean sighed, his head falling into his hands in exhaustion. Beside him, Cas stared up innocently, head cocked to the side in his normal adorable manner.

"Dean?"

Dean sighed. "Yes, Cas?"

"Who's 'The Master'? I doubt it is my Father; television shows are rarely made about Him." He continued staring, eyes clear and blue. Dean however, just gaped.

"…The Master is The Doctor's oldest adversary…" he started, praying for Castiel to please catch on, I really don't want to try and explain the _entire_ thing, because what the fuck, that's _fifty fucking years of information,_ and not even _Sammy_ knows everything about Doctor Who.

"Why?"

"…because he's crazy?"

"But _why_ is he crazy?"

Oh God, he really _was_ going to have to explain this, wasn't he?

"Well you see, it all started on this planet named Gallifrey…."


	2. NotSoFun With Veal

A Planet Named Gallifrey

Summary: Dean introduced Castiel to the world of entertainment: movies, television, music, etc. Castiel is, of course, completely out of his depth. Inspired/Based on nerwende90's "You Can't See Me" series. Named for first chapter.

Ramblings: I know, I know, how do you relate veal to modern media? Simple: South Park. Also, I could never tell if Fun With Veal was anti- or pro-veal. I think it was anti-veal and pro-every other meat. :S

* * *

"…Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"…why are there calves?"

Dean winced. He had meant to change the channel—this was one thing Castiel did _not_ need to see; lately his impression of humans was furious at best—but Castiel had somehow magicked the remote away from him. So, they were stuck watching South Park.

From 2002.

Its 5th episode, in fact.

He winced again. This was _not_ going to end well…

**_ooooooo_**

_20 minutes later…_

Amazingly, Castiel's expression had barely changed throughout the course of the episode. Perhaps it was because he was so well-trained in suppressing his emotions, or Dean just didn't pay enough attention (he was too busy being appalled at the fact of '.' Slowly, Castiel turned to face him, his dark eyes unreadable.

"Dean."

"Yes?"

"I…believe I am going to be sick." He then walked hurriedly to the restroom, only the slightest green tinge on his cheeks. As he slammed the door just barely, Dean groaned; he raked his hand over his face at the muffled sounds of Castiel's vessel dry heaving.

Sometimes even Dean hated humanity; sometimes he didn't blame Uriel for having wanted to smite the whole lot.

Sometimes humanity just didn't seem worth saving.


	3. Live Long and Prosper

A Planet Named Gallifrey

Summary: Dean introduced Castiel to the world of entertainment: movies, television, music, etc. Castiel is, of course, completely out of his depth. Inspired/Based on nerwende90's "You Can't See Me" series. Named for first chapter. Officially contains slash.

Ramblings: I don't know much about Star Trek except I love it utterly. Instead of watching the old episodes, I find out stuff as I go along, or maybe I'll pull a DW AND LOOK UP THE ENTIRE HISTORY ON WIKI. Or something. :D

Notes: A Vulcan Kiss is when one person presses their middle and pointer fingers together and presses them against another's pointer and middle finger. Think of as the Vulcan greetings, minus the last two fingers…and against another person's. Un-beta'd, written spur-of-the-moment. **_CONTAINS SLASH!_**

* * *

"Um, Cas? What are you doing?"

"I believe I am kissing you." Except he really wasn't, he was just kind of pressing two of his fingers against two of Dean's. But Castiel was weird like that—he'd just come across small human tidbits of information, small facts that not many people knew and put them into action—or at least explain them…somehow.

It was how Dean knew not to give up on angel's devotion to humans. They were mudmonkeys, rolling around on top of each other, writhing, but it was always the small things that redeemed them.

Or so Castiel said.

But this? This was…way beyond just _weird._

"Um…no. You really aren't." He said awkwardly, hoping to not somehow offend Castiel—he always treated the angel as if were fragile, made of glass, although Castiel was about as fragile as a herd of bulls. He had an innocent face (because damnit, bulls looked cute) but would gore you in an instant.

But still, the face.

Castiel did his head-cocking thing; Dean's knees turned to jelly. "I am certain that I am—two people press their first two fingers together. It is a form of a kiss." Castiel was just too cute to say 'no' to; Dean relented. He sighed, and stoof back up firmly, not taking his hand back from… 'kissing' Castiel's. "Where'd you hear about this, anyways?"

"The television."

Well that explained it. "What show?" Still 'kissing,' Castiel furrowed his brow, concentrating. "I believe it was called 'Star Trek.' Samuel was watching it."

"Sam was—say _what?"_

"Is there something wrong, Dean?"

An evil grin spread over Dean's cheeks; his green yes flashed with arrogance. "Not a damn thing, Cas." He dragged Castiel closer to him, aligning their bodies perfectly. Castiel's breath hitched in the back of his throat—a reflex still left over from Jimmy. "But how about I show you how the _humans_ kiss, and not the Vulcans."

"But Dean, you have already showed me—mrmph. Deamrph, I already…"

**_ooooooo_**

Hours later, Dean emerged from the hotel room, disheveled and looking _quite_ satisfied. He sighed, adjusting his denim jacket, and walk over to Sam's room, rapping on the door. Sam was wisely suspicious when he opened it—he could _feel_ Dean's grin through the door.

Plus, Dean was supposed to be 'tutoring' Castiel tonight.

As if.

"…what."

"Oh nothing, Sammy. I just heard a little tidbit from Cas…" he faked indifference, looking everywhere but his brother (although his still-cocky grin rather shattered the illusion).

"About what."

"Oh, just a tiny little thing—he caught you watching Star Trek."

Sam's green eyes widened in horror; he slammed the door in Dean's face, jamming the lock. Shit, he'd never hear the end of it now, what with Dean being a hardcore Star Wars fanatic.

"Fuck my life…"


	4. Pay Per Porn

Pay-Per-Porn

Summary: Dean introduced Castiel to the world of entertainment: movies, television, music, etc. Castiel is, of course, completely out of his depth. Inspired/Based on nerwende90's "You Can't See Me" series. Named for first chapter. Officially contains slash—and Lucifer!

Ramblings: MARKSHA WAS IN A PORNO (not a gay one, but a porno is a porno). FFFFFF _HE'S SO EFFING AWESOME._

Notes: References to Hinduism and whatever the most recent episode was and the porno _Word of Mouth (1999).

* * *

_

Dean was bored. Sam was angsting about Gabe's death, Castiel was off being fuckknowswhere and Bobby was angsting because Sam was angsting.

Dean just wanted to beat off or something. _Anything_ to rectify this all-consuming boredom taking over his life. Sure, there were the moments where life just fucking _sucked_ and an actually decent archangel got shivved and he had to see his brother in a cheap white suit and black eyes and Castiel threatened his life and Bobby lost his legs and Castiel threatened his life and Jo and El died _again_ and Castiel threatened his life, but all-in-all, it was pure, unadulterated boredom.

Except, you know, where he got to makeout with a Hindu deity. God_damn_ Kali was hot—and crazy, but that came with the whole "The Destroyer" thing and being the total yin to Parvati's yang.

Hinduism was filled with such drama—not as much as the Greeks' mythology, but still: drama. And it still evaded him how Shiva was so cool with Kali flitting off fucking a Christian _archangel_ and then, you know, his son getting _exploded_ and _dead._ He probably had to be with Kali's crazy and how Parvati broke down when she heard Ganesha was dead.

Families. Good for nothing but angst and drama.

So, in his resolve to numb himself to the Hindu drama he had witnessed and the slaughtering of badass Norse gods and having to look Lucifer in the whites of his (vessel's) eyes, he turned on the rickety 1970-something television. On it was a fuzzy, sort-of Technicolor replaying of—Jesus Christ, was that _I Love Lucy?_ Fuck that, he was going for the porn. He channel surfed for a while, hoping for some skin to show up so he could just get the hell off.

Just about ready to give up and sleep off the half-hard erection, he silently yelped for joy at the sight of some goddamn tits. He grinned, petting his erection lightly, prepping for a lazy, exhausted jerk-off—until he noticed something peculiar. Curious, he scooted up on the musty bed, squinting at the old 90's fuzzy porn. It couldn't be…

…dear God, it _was._

Nick—or rather, _Lucifer,_ was starring in this porno. That or someone who looked disturbingly like him, but the point still stood.

Horrified at the prospect that he was about to get off to a porno that had the fucking _Devil_ in it, he flew off the bed, and began shaking his huge hulk of a brother awake, completely forgetting about Sam's catlike instincts.

Stars had never looked so colorful.


	5. what is this i don't even

what is this i don't even

Summary: Dean introduced Castiel to the world of entertainment: movies, television, music, etc. Castiel is, of course, completely out of his depth. Inspired-slash-Based on nerwende90's "You Can't See Me" series. Officially contains slash— and Lucifer!

Ramblings: My reaction to the anime!SPN. It keeps going back and forth between "EPIC LULZ" and "wtf, man." And since Kripke destroyed the Fourth Wall, then let's go ahead and take advantage of it while I can still breathe without laughing!

Notes: Just look up "Supernatural anime." _I dare you.

* * *

_

At the Shirley Residence:

_Ring. Ring._

Click. "Hello? Chuck Shirley speaking."

_"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING YOU LITTLE BASTARD, SELLING OUT THE RIGHTS OF SUPERNATURAL TO WARNER BROTHERS? AN ANIME? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT AN ANIME __**IS! **__SAM'S STILL IN THE GODDAMN HOLE WITH FUCKING LUCIFER AND NOW YOU —"_

Click.

"…Dean?"

"Yup."

_**ooooooo**_

_Ring. Ring._

Click. "…"

_"AS IF MY FACE WASN'T ALREADY KNOWN BY THE REST OF YOUR FREAKISH FANS, NOW AN ENTIRE COUNTRY MIGHT END UP KNOWING WHAT I LOOK—wait, that looks nothing like me…WHY THE FUCK DOES IT LOOK NOTHING LIKE ME? AND WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SAM? __**WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, CHARLES SHIR—"**_

Click.

"…you can't avoid him forever, you know."

"I can try."

_**ooooooo**_

_Ring. Ring._

Riiiip!

"…did you just rip the phone cord out of the wall?"

"Yes. Also, we're moving to Canada."


End file.
